Adult Grief and Loss in Indianapolis, IN
Parents usually have very important influences on their children and the adults they become. The loss of a parent is a psychologically impactful event with many layers to it. A few of these layers will be discussed here.
In an article in the Monitor on Psychology, Huff (2024) paid special attention to the effects of parental deaths that occur in the middle years of a person's adulthood, which have been called "the sandwich years" between aging parents and growing children. Huff recognized that the death of a parent removes a layer between the self and one's own mortality. This effect becomes especially acute after both parents have died. Becoming more aware of one's own mortality may spur a more thoughtful and clearly defined investment in personal life goals. Among these goals may be the improvement in relationships with one's own children.
Along with the grief, Huff (2024) noted that there may come a review of memories about the now deceased parents. Some of the memories may elicit positive and loving feelings, but some may come with feelings of guilt, anger, shame, and remorse. No matter the feelings, it can be useful to delve into into these memories because they have contributed to making you who you are today. To review them can be very informative about both positive and negative influences. At the very least, they can bring a fuller knowledge of yourself that can be informative and bring more self-definition. However the review can also bring the recognition that all was not well. Some difficulties with parents might be better understood from a now adult position. This understanding may bring revisions in self-image and in relationships with others. There may be regrets that a parent is no longer present to participate in making the revisions, but if you believe that this parent would only be threatened by your changes, perhaps you would be freer to make them if he or she were not there. Hard to know. Nevertheless, positive changes can result from looking at the past from the present.
Aanother subjective reaction may accompany parental loss. In addition to the illumination of mortality and the return of memories, the loss can bring forth a mourning of one's own youth. Mourning can emerge for yourself at times when the parent was there, especially when you were younger, when you were a child, teen, and younger adult. After all, parents knew you from the beginning of your life ontil their own deaths. There were good times when they could be protective and dependable, and you knew they wanted the best for you. They had your back. Even if parents were sadly flawed, there can be a sympathetic mourning for the younger self who had endured suffering. With the death of parents, youth moves farther away, especially if you are in what Huff (2024) called "the sandwich years."
Psychologists can be of help with processing the loss. Here I present a very long quote from Huff's (2024) article: "Psychologists can better support those suffering these midlife losses by exploring the context of the parental death, including how it occurred and whether it was anticipated. They can work with grieving adults to process related regrets and other unfinished business, including how the death has impacted their physical health and interactions with family members. And in other scenarios, such as when dementia means the parent is still alive but may not be psychological present, the therapy can address issues surrounding ambiguous loss" (p. 48).
If you would like to process the complexities that can surround the loss of a parent, please Contact Me.
REFERENCE: Huff, C. (2024). Grieving the midlife loss of a parent. Monitor on Psychology, 55(7) 46-52.